There are so many things I want to say. The past couple of days I have had a really hard time trying to write my story. I am a writer by nature, but this will be the first time I will officially write it out in its entirety for the public. Sorry for any spelling errors, run-on sentences, etc. I felt like this does not need to be proof read but just filled with flaws and all because it reflects the path I have led in my life. To all the people out there that want to make a change/changes in their life- Y’all, please know that when you leap the net does appear. You have nothing to fear, the road that presents itself offers such an amazing life. I say this from my personal experience and what I have witnessed other people experience.
My name Hillary. I was born January 14, 1982. I am shy of my 32nd birthday. I have 3 siblings, two brothers and a sister. Ralph 111 is 34 years old. Alexandra is 30 years old and Chase is 26 years old. My parents are still happily married and just celebrated their 35 years of marriage October 21st, 2013.
I have grown up in a big Irish-Catholic family. Drinking was a part of our culture. Most of my family is in the same area so we have spent a lot of time with each other through the years. I remember being younger and we would all be singing, dancing, eating and all the adults would be drinking. I would take sips of drinks, taking beers to my elders. It was just one of those things. It was not a big deal at the time.
I had a very normal childhood. Family vacations, my parents were great teachers. Neither of my parents grew up with a lot of money. My dad’s father decided to start a small printing company out of his basement in 1968. He noticed the demand for stationary and calling cards and there was not a big selection readily available. So seeing that the demand was there, he bought a little Heidelberg press. Needless to say the business moved from the basement to an actual building. A short time after it moved into a bigger building across the street. In the early 90’s the company moved into an Industrial Park and had 200 employees. My grandparents retired and my dad and aunt continued to run the business. We recently merged with my uncle’s printing business. He opened up his business at the age of 23 after working at another printing company. I have a lot of grass roots in my family!!!! Interesting how things you start-from-scratch can truly grow.
We are very fortunate to have a lot of support and since my parents did not have the same growing up they wanted to give it to us freely.
I went to Saint Patrick’s until I was in 7th grade. I had known all the kids I grew up with for those seven years. The school originally was K-8 but the year I was going to be in 8th grade, the diocese opened up Holy Trinity Middle School. I am mentioning all of this because it was 8th grade when I began to get in trouble. Lying about where I was going and what I was doing. Experimenting with drugs, I became a troublemaker and hung out with others that were the same.
I went to high school at Charlotte Catholic High School my freshman year. The same continued. Just getting in trouble, did not really know where I fit in. It was a hard time for me. It was getting old the mundane routine of catholic school. I was looking for my identity. I was lost, I thought it would be a good idea to switch schools and go to public school. I left Charlotte Catholic and went to another school. I will say it was a freedom I had never experienced. I was skipping school, smoking pot and partaking in activities that were not conducive to getting what I needed in a learning environment.
So here I am new place, don’t really know anyone. The next step was I don’t want to be here. Given the fact, we move from building to building for classes unlike the Catholic High School this was my ticket! I tried LSD for the first time and loved it! I was smoking pot on a regular basis as well as cigarettes. Hanging out with the older boys. Became sexually active at the age of 16. Now when I look back I wish I would have waited!
I started doing all the things parents don’t want you to do. As far as my parents were concerned, this would be about the time when I started causing them a lot of worry, heartache and pain. Not to mention, it put a very big strain on my whole family. I can look back now and say this is when it all started. I fought with my parents a lot. My parent’s were very suspicious of my behavior.
The next year I started my junior year at Myers Park and a couple weeks in I had already skipped a lot of school. I went to my parents and I told them I needed to go somewhere else. If I did not get my act together I would not be able to graduate with my class. I went to a small private school open to focus more on effort and physical discipline. I will say what a year my junior year was. My drug use continued with Adderall, pot, gel tabs, ecstasy, tried cocaine for the first time. I was not drinking all that much but I was drinking. I had my first relationship but considering all that was going on with lack of self development in my personal life there was no way I could successfully be with anyone else. That was a shame because that guy was an amazing person. Most all my intimate relationships up until this point have been toxic and I believe it has to do with the fact I was not able to develop relationships appropriately because of my deep love for substances.
I did well enough to go back to my other school my senior year!!! What a year, so here I am my senior year. I am maintaining at this point, then we had our big Mexico trip with the chorus group. We went to Mexico on a cruise. When I was in Mexico I had purchase some Valium at the pharmacy. Thanks to being a lady I was able to purchase 90 pills for 50 dollars. I will tell you I was not real big on these types of pill but was getting them for a friend. He ended up giving me a couple for going in there and purchasing them. Well we all know how the story goes from there it was not good. I woke up the next morning out of a blackout; everyone had been looking for me and another student all night. Thinking back I am lucky I woke up. After I got in trouble for the behavior no one knew I still had pills left so instead of thinking about the severity of this issue I induced myself to numbness. When I got home, my parents took my car, I was on the verge of getting kicked out of school and here I am same place I will continue to be for a long time. I was able to graduate school with the help of my parent’s unconditional love and support and vetting for me to the principal. I was on Out of School suspension almost to the end of the year. I did attend spring break senior year and I believe this is when my alcoholism really started kicking in. I associated it with fun, lots of people and this is what we do! I found out I did not get into college at Appalachian State but I also applied to Fort Lewis College in Durango, CO and I got into the school!!!! I found out shortly after I got back from the Mexico trip. I was so excited; I was thinking a fresh start. I love to snowboard and wanted to be in Colorado.
I also wanted to note for the senior exit project from my school we had to pick something to research and design a product for the project. I did mine on battered women and how written expression helped them through the healing process. It is crazy that I came up with that off the top of my head but it makes a lot more sense to me now given everything I am experiencing in recovery today. The product I developed was called “Mend the Soul”. It was a stationary kit I put together.
Yay! Got into college, made an amazing project and had a wonderful mentor to help me with that all year. To this day I will always treasure the time we spent together working on my project and just hanging out. You are one of those people that helped a troubled woman on her path and you gave me great hope. For that I am always grateful. Thank you.
Well so my alcoholism was causing serious problems by the time I was through the first couple months of summer. So there was one condition before I left for Colorado I had to go to Intensive Outpatient Treatment. I got sober for 29 days. I was able to get an accelerated program since I was leaving to go to school. I had a whole presentation to present to the group. The night before I was finishing treatment it was my best friend’s birthday. She asked me to just have a drink with her. We ended up staying up all night drinking. I went into the program the next day and did my presentation drunk/hung-over. So the deception begins with my using.
I left Charlotte, to attend orientation at Fort Lewis. My parents found out I was drinking. I told them it would be okay I have it all under control; I believed I did at the time! Well I did not really do drugs anymore, I was just straight drinking, maybe took hallucinogenics once or twice, maybe a couple ecstasy pills but drinking became an everyday thing. We would get the 20 oz. bottles of soda and fill them half way with rum. My first semester at Fort Lewis was such a learning experience. I spent one night in the detox center because I was drinking outside the dorms and they came by and picked me up. This led up to the beginning of November of 2000, I flat lined in the ICU in Durango. My girlfriend bet me that I would not chase her on a half a gallon of rum (she drink half/I drink the other. Well I did and the next thing I know I am waking up in the ICU with a nurse asking if I was trying to kill myself. At the time I pleaded no, but damn if I was not asking for a death wish with that behavior. They could not reach my family so the firs thing I did when I got up was call them. Many years later I have heard recollection of that day from those that are very dear to my heart and all I can say is I apologize for all those feelings my actions put you through! When I got out of the hospital, I felt like I had died. I got back to my room put on my running shoes and I went out to the track and I ran. I ran for a long time looking back. I did not know what to do, I was home sick. Went home for Thanksgiving. Came back to finish the semester up. My grades were no great by any means. Let me explain to you how strong my addiction is. I flat lined in the ICU, was resuscitated but somehow I felt drinking was still all right after all I had been through up until this point in my life. The school was very receptive and wanted to help me but as we all know I was not ready. So I barely pass the semester I came home to Charlotte.
I managed to keep my act together for a couple semesters at CPCC but my home life was a mess, my relationships were tough. If I had to guess everyone around me was worried or pissed off full of resentment toward me. Not only for the continuation of this behavior but for my past actions. I am here to tell you at this point in time I was oblivious to what I was doing to those around me. Well school started getting in the way of my partying so I thankfully withdrew from my courses. I began my career in the service industry. Most of my experience up until this point had been working in the bindery at a printing company. I loved working there, I consider all those amazing people as family.
I loved working in the restaurant business; I did this through my 21st birthday. I then joined the APA league. I shot billiards for a while. I found something I was good at and enjoyed the people I was playing with on Tuesday nights. All of this gave way to a pretty hefty habit of drinking and some dabbling with cocaine. I ended up losing my job due to my behavior and actions. I quickly got a position for a Insurance brokerage. I was the front desk operator for the 10-line switchboard. At this point in time my drinking was very out of control. I was late for work, wreaked of alcohol most every day. Many write-ups later and numerous hints to this serious problem they finally let me go. I actually had a final warning with a letter written to me from my boss and I did not bother to read it until years later. It said in the letter I was really good at my job but I have a problem with drinking. Shortly after I got fired I got my first DUI.
It was a Sunday because I had been drinking Bloody Mary’s at one of my favorite places. I then went from taking a nap to waking up to go meet some friends. I drank a shot of dark liquor and we were off to a place that had just opened up. As soon as we got to the bar, I met the bar manager. They had three-dollar cape cods and I explicitly said, “all vodka/splash of cranberry”. I drank those for a while along with my other favorite royal flushes. We decided to leave there and go to another bar. When we got to the exit, I was driving too fast and told everyone in my car to brace themselves because we were going to hit the median. We did and thank goodness there was no oncoming traffic. I corrected the wheel but my front driver’s side tire was messed up. I had to pull over and just when I was doing so I looked up and there were cops walking out of IHOP. They ran up to the car and asked if I had been drinking. My reply, “did you just see what I did, of course I have been drinking”. Off to jail I go, I was sitting there cutting up with the police officers in intake. They had me blow and said, “this can’t be right…blow again”. I did and I registered at a .24 BAC level. They just looked at me and said you must drink a lot because you should not be able to walk and talk right now. That night I was very lucky to not kill myself or anyone else for that I am forever grateful. I called my lawyer because I had no clue what to do. He said, “Go get an assessment”. So I went straight to the assessment the next day. Well I did not know the standard thing to do at these was to lie so I recounted the whole series of events leading up until the DUI. I will never forget the look on the guys face at the end of our meeting. He looked at me and said, “You need help”. At this point, I got back into school and was working at the printing company again. I ended up not getting convicted for that DUI until 2005. I had a breathalyzer installed in my car. I failed it all the time, the next morning after drinking. I got another job in the service industry. I was doing more cocaine and drinking way too much. This went on for years. I finally had to go to treatment. I tried to go back and lie that I was doing better but I had already signed paperwork saying I would do IOP. There was no going back. So I started treatment and was still drinking. I almost finished the program and close to completing it I failed for cocaine. I was told I had to start treatment all over but I did not have to pay. Once again I got serious about quitting. This was in spring of 2007. I was ready to change my life. Then day 29 crept up on me again and it was my friend’s 30th birthday. Needless to say by the end of the night I was drinking again. The whole “it gets worse” was very true in my case. By the end of my drinking that was all I was doing. It had consumed me.
Summer of 2008, I got my second DUI; I had just gotten back from the 4th of July with my family. I went out to dinner with my friend and we decided to tie one on. I was late for another job, a new 8 to 5 job. I had the job for about 4 months. I had already gotten the same talk about my drinking and its effects on my performance. I was late for work and I also messed up an order I was working on for a client. They told me I could finish out the day but it would be my last day. I left with the intention of getting up the next morning and looking for a job. I found myself to a bottle that night and ended up wrecking my car into two parked cars. My initial reaction was to drive away which would have been impossible given the fact the front left side of the car was totaled. You see the similarities through my story??? I was blocks away from my house when this happened. I had my parents meet me; they watched me get put in handcuffs. I told them I was done; I was not going to live this way anymore. At this point in time my parents had heard that so many times, my mom told me she was thinking the worst for my future considering the path I had been on for 10 years. It was the same thing over and over expecting different results…that would be insanity!!! It got bad enough that I wanted to make a serious commitment to getting better. My turning point presented the best opportunity of a life-time. I asked God for help. I was so beaten down, numb, drunk and sad.
I began my journey of recovery. I went into treatment at in August of 2008 and graduated from the program on December 28, 2008. I went to court for my DUI on October 17, 2008. I was sentenced to four weekends in jail and unsupervised probation for a year. I got back into school in the spring of 2009. I had heard about a professor who taught a World Religions class. I had only known Catholicism so I wanted to know about different things. Recovery for me has been about spirituality. I could not get into his class that first semester so I met him and started talking to him about my recovery. This man helped me so much with his belief in what I was doing and the wisdom he passed on to me. That following Fall I got into his class. What an amazing class!!!! We had to read Pema Chodron’s, “When Things Fall Apart” and write a paper about its correlation to service work. I also got involved with service work. I had learned a lot about what successful people do in recovery: spirituality, service work and unity. I did Martin Luther King Day of service and asked around about how to get involved in service work on campus. I found out about Service Learning and joined this group. It was such an awesome experience and I am so grateful I got involved with this group. I was also attending various recovery supports and working with a sponsor.
I got my 2-year degree from CPCC. My last semester there I made straight A’s first time in my life. I decided to move forward with my education and obtain my Bachelor’s Degree at UNCC. I got a lot of Pell Grant money and school based grants due to my performance at CPCC.
I went into the Communications Studies discipline at my university. What a great department, I loved being a communication’s major. I went to the Student Health Center for a check-up Spring 2010. When the doctor administered the protocol, she was asking about my personal habits and she asked about drinking. I told her I did not and explained I was in recovery. She said, you need to call my friend Debbie. She is the Director of Wellness Promotion and she has wanted to talk with sober students. Being stubborn, I decided I was too busy to call her. I was too busy until my entire personal life was in shambles. I needed help and one thing I had learned in recovery was I am not alone and to reach out and ask someone to help me! It was the Summer of 2011 everything was absolutely unbearable. I knelt down and prayed to God, and said “I have been given this amazing gift, what do I need to do next. Please give me guidance.” I decided to write Debbie an e-mail. She responded very quickly and the energy I felt from reading what she wrote to me made me feel like there was hope. I asked her if we could get together and discuss starting a support group on campus. I was at school all the time and needed something so why not start something for other students in the same position? I was so excited to have a meeting with Debbie. We got along instantly, that day I was asked to join Wellness Promotion. She explained to me what a Collegiate Recovery Community was and told me about Kitty Harris and Texas Tech. She then went on to tell me about Teresa Johnston and Kennesaw State University!!! I was so happy to hear these types of programs were available to college students. I was even happier that this woman has just asked me to start one with her!!!! I never thought in all my wildest dreams I would be able to get involved in something that will help people for years to come.
The beginning was tough; at first I was the only student coming around. There was an elderly gentleman I had met who wanted to help and he said he would come around until things picked up, he still comes to this day and has been my mentor since the day I met him in Fall 2011. For the first six months I had a lot of encouragement and support because no one was showing up. Students began to show interest in the program shortly after those six months. I can truly say this program and university saved my life. It put me in a position where I could focus my energy in something that would be so invaluable. Life had taken a turn for me and it continues to follow the same direction.
RECOVERY!!!!!
One of the best decisions I have ever made was having the courage to walk into Debbie’s office. I needed help and in my recovery healing continues when you reach out for help. This woman built the Center for Wellness Promotion from the ground up. This department finds new ways to reach out to the students. The people I work with are very special people. They are all here for the benefit of the students. It shows in the time and effort they put into each and every program. There is many benefits to having knowledge about health education. You can have better opportunities with more realistic decisions. I have had the joy to see others change and grow including myself.
The past couple of months have been quite up and down for me. We had Ikea staff come in at the end of August and help us put together the furniture for the CRC room. September of this year I got to work in the Wellness Recovery Rooms during the DNC in Charlotte. This gained me access to be behind the scenes, see some wonderful speakers and spend time with terrific people. I met Aaron and Tom through Faces and Voices of recovery. I also got to meet Greg Williams, the man coming out with the Anonymous People documentary. I had no clue that there were 23 million people in recovery!!!! That means 600,000 right here in North Carolina. At that moment I heard this pertinent information it became clear I wanted to join this movement. It was an unforgettable experience. Recovery saves my life everyday so it is only natural to advocate. I was asked by one of the volunteers at the DNC to come speak at her annual function. I spoke in front of 130 people in Rathford, North Carolina as a guest speaker at TiaHeart’s annual gig September 28th. (My older brother Ralph also turned 33 years old). Shirley is doing so much for her community through her organization.
Mariel from Riverside, CA is a woman I met at the Collegiate Recovery Conference at Kennesaw State University last spring. She is amazing, we got to go bowling and spend time with each other. We spoke about what we were doing in our respective areas. We were both trying to get CRC’s started and although it had been really hard, the camaraderie was strong. I believe it is something that helped both of us persevere. I found out the Healing Highlanders were hosting a conference in October and wanted to go but the school would not send us out there because it was too short of notice. I was devastated but understood.
I got introduced to Devin, Sarah and other people in long-term recovery shortly after the DNC.
Keeping this in mind, I went to do the guest-speaking event that Friday. When I left to come home that night I was so excited, that is the largest group I have addressed. I had a text from my mother to call home. I found out my grandmother had gone into the hospital. I drove straight in to go to the hospital. My grandmother passed away on October 4, 2012. Two days after my grandfather’s 81st birthday. This was a very hard time; my grandmother had always been here. The evening of the funeral I had a voice mail asking if I wanted to go out to California. It was for a YPR-Young People In Recovery meeting. He also mentioned that we were going to be attending the Riverside Conference!!!! My emotions were so shot at this point, I was so happy and sad at the same time. I asked if I could bring another student, friend and co-worker in the CRC. So we got news a week before we flew out to California.
Our trip was something else! We got to meet people from all over the country that want to help just like we do. We spent a whole day talking about what we were going to do to help raise the voice of the young person in recovery. So we can stop burying our friends and loved ones. Then we attended the CRC conference and for me this was a spiritual experience.
I had not remembered that Mariel was not in recovery herself. Which made it that much more amazing to see her dedication along with a lot of other students in this organization who have joined to help and show support to those in recovery. The most selfless approach I have seen when it comes to these amazing CRCs out there. Students I talked to said they were depressed and felt alone so they joined to help be a part of something. I made sure to let them know the support goes both ways. As someone in recovery, I was so very grateful us in recovery have this compassionate support.
We got back October 21st and have been busy working on this since we got home. It was official that Chelsea and I were National Council members for Young People in Recovery!!! We are so very excited to be a part of this once in a life time opportunity. A bunch of us have started a YPR chapter right here in Charlotte, our first meeting was on November 18th. The second meeting was held on January 20, 2013. We will be hosting a breakfast fundraiser to get our community involved with our efforts for both the UNC-Charlotte CRC and Young People in Recovery on February 14, 2013.
We also had the official CRC groundbreaking ceremony on October 25, 2012. Shortly after the conference and CRC groundbreaking my grandfather passed away on November 24th, 2012. It was so hard to lose my grandmother. Now my grandfather was also gone. They were married for 64 years. They never missed a birthday, Christmas and we had a huge Sunday lunch at their home most Sundays unless they were traveling.
I got to graduate college this past December 15, 2012. I majored in Communications- Public Relations. To end the year with such an achievement after all of the things that have happened in my life, I am one happy woman.
Any students out there that may feel like something like this is for you, pick up the phone and give us a call or stop by and check out the awesome room we call our safe haven. Any advice regarding issues, all are welcome. We have good experience, strength and hope. Just know you are not alone!!!
I want to give a special thanks to one mom for speaking from the parent’s perspective. In the future we hope to have her and other parents write about their experience, strength and hope as well. It has been another way to connect to many different people. I have made connections through this blog that have changed my life. Thank you for continuing to support our efforts and I am always grateful. Recovery has literally changed my existence in this world.
The light shines on…
Summer 2013, I got a position in a new recovery program. When I sat down to fill out the official paper work I answered something wrong. It was a complete oversight on my part. It was bad enough to cost me the job. It is so wild though because when all this was happening in my life and very strong calmness overwhelmed me and I knew I was going to be okay! I knew I did not want to drink and I was well aware that everything happens for a reason. During my time in this position I was able to work with someone in the beginning stages of his journey of recovery. He is still sober today and I feel that I was in the right place at the right time. I have been back in Charlotte since September 13, 2013. In the past 90 days I was able to celebrate my mentors 30th sobriety anniversary. I have been able to go spend time up at UNCC weekly. I have gotten many different opportunities offered to me.
This past October, the same weekend that I went to California the previous year I got to partake in a unforgettable experience. I got to rappel down the side of the W Hotel in Hollywood, CA. It was a rappel for Recovery. I am one of the Co-Chairs of Young People in Recovery-NC. I have also been asked to be a Lead Advocate for Heroes in Recovery starting January 2014!!!! I am so excited for the New Year and all the beautiful things to come.
My older brother got married on November 30th, 2013. He has not had a drink since September 28, 2009. I got to see my little brother get his degree from Appalachian State December 14, 2013. He has not had a drink since November 13, 2012. When my little brother decided he needed help, a few days later. I woman that was born the same day as my brother and has been a family friend our whole lives came out and said, “She was an alcoholic”. I am happy to say I got to speak at her one-year anniversary in the past 90 days as well. My mother has not had a drink in almost 12 years!!!
I would like to end this by saying if you made it through my story thank you so much for taking the time to read this! It only it gets better. I never imagined my life could go from a sitting on a barstool every day to what I have achieved and accomplished and continue to work on into this present time.
I want to tell all the people out there that have helped me a long this journey thank you so much from the bottom of my heart. My family, you are my rock and thank you for always believing I would come around. It was one of the main things that kept me from being dead in a ditch. I believe first and foremost that trusting in God has helped me beyond any measure. The fact I am alive today is a miracle.
My friends-all of you the ones I don’t talk to all the time, you are in my heart and thank you. All my friends that are in my life daily, I can’t say enough how much I appreciate you holding me accountable, helping me when I am wrong, celebrating in my successes and all the many things I am so grateful for, a friggin ton of laughter and love.
Kat, I have not really mentioned much about our friendship. You are my soul sister. Kat and I were able to reconnect through my sobriety. We have been friends since my junior year of high school. We have been able to grow and change with the times and for that words can’t describe the gratitude and love I have for our bond.
My sister Allie, you are more to me then I can write. Thank you for all your enduring support. Through all the times we have shared. Thank you for recognizing I always had that notion of what right and wrong was even in my darkest days. I thank you for listening to me and consoling me when I am down and out about myself/life. I am so fortunate to have you as my sister and to be able to walk this life together. Sisters for life!!!
I can go on and on from person to person. Kat and Allie for now!!! I love you all and thank you, thank you and thank you for helping me stay sober another day.
No comments:
Post a Comment