Written by Lindsey Glass
Romance is tricky for everyone. But for people in recovery from any kind of addiction, some extra tools for managing feelings and behavior can be extremely useful.
Here are 5 ways to apply principles of recovery philosophies and programs to foster healthy, romantic relationships. And they're not just for people in recovery. Anyone would do well to consider them.
1. Be Clear About Your Needs And Expectations From The Beginning.
This is not to suggest you ask for someone's tax returns, medical history and intentions about the future on the first date. But establishing ground rules for how you will behave to each other will set the tone from the beginning. For example, my friend Kate likes to be picked up for a date and is a vegetarian. But when she started dating her last boyfriend she didn't ask him to pick her up and didn't make her vegetarian needs known. After months of not having anything to eat on the menu, and traveling solo to dates she finally said something to her boyfriend. By then he didn't feel he needed to pick her up or change his eating habits. While it would have been nice if he'd adjusted his behavior because she asked him to, he wasn't totally at fault because she hadn't told him it mattered to her.
2. Be aware of your behavior.
Part of learning how to live in recovery is being able to be self-aware about your behavior. How do you appear to other people? How do you sound to other people (particularly when you might be irritated)? And how do your moods affect other people? The key to sober reference is being able to look at what's going on, see your part, and be informed about how you think, act, or react, so you can adjust in the future. My colleague John became aware in his sobriety that the mean tone he heard his father use towards his mother when he was growing up is the same tone he used towards his wife when he was angry. Once he realized, he nipped it in the bud quickly because he knew the damage it had caused his mom and him.
3. Be vigilant about your recovery routine or needs
It is said in recovery circles that nothing upsets the balance more than romance and finances. Now, more than ever, you're going to need your emotional sobriety to handle romance bumps. So this is not the time to start skipping meetings, yoga, or church. Whatever keeps you calm and happy is more critical than ever. My friend Janet actually doubles her meetings and work out schedule when she's deep in a relationship. She says she can't take the chance of letting her jealous nature take over and between the meetings and the work-outs she keeps her mind and her temper in check.
4. Keep Family Out Of It
I'm close with my family, but that doesn't mean I should be discussing every detail of my relationship with them. Family members see things in a protective way. Once they get an impression about your partner, it's very hard to change their mind. My friend George has a protective sister, Ally. Every time George tells Ally about the bad behavior of this girlfriend, Jen, Ally inevitably gets in a fight with Ally. Then Ally and George get in a fight. And everyone suffers. Lessen the drama, George! Talking to a sponsor or an impartial friend would be much a safer thing to do for everyone involved.
5. Give Them Time
Patience is not the greatest virtue bestowed on people with alcohol or addiction problems. There is a huge desire to get what you want or know what's in the future. Control isn't possible. Forget about it. The cooler you are the better it will go. My friend Keith constantly asked his girlfriend, Marty, where they were headed. He was ready to get married but Marty wasn't. The pressure of his asking over and over eventually tore them apart. Marty later told Keith she did want to marry him, but his inability to stay calm made her think he wouldn't be a good life partner for her. Marty was super relaxed, and she was concerned he'd be pushy about everything. Turn things over and let them go. Don't stress yourself or your partner. With time the end result is better. As my mentor used to say, fast on, fast off....
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